Scatterbrained Thoughts #1

John F. Kennedy never knew the name Lee Harvey Oswald.

Ben Franklin flew a kite but never flew an airplane.

Somebody had to be the first person to die in an airplane crash.  It was Thomas Etholen Selfridge, who was a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright on September 17, 1908.

Clothing stores don't have an "intimate apparel" section for men.

When you walk into a Walmart store, most of what you see will be in a landfill in 10 years.

A porn weather forecast:  5-6 inches here, 8-10 inches there.

That god-awful sound of us from behind closed doors is not what you think it is.  It's the two of us trying to sing a song together.

People cough, burp, fart, and have other bodily functions, for which they say, "Excuse me."  But why is it up to someone else to say "Bless you" after you've sneezed and got spit all over them?

In the movie, The Parent Trap, starring Hayley Mills, how is it that an American couple has two daughters with British accents?

On expressways, I don't believe there is any such thing as a "passing lane."  The left lane should be called the "tailgating lane" because everyone in it is tailgating the person in front of him or her.


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My Blog on Procrastination

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Coming Out of the Closet

Um, yeah, it's time to come out of the closet. These feelings I've kept to myself can no longer be contained. The ridicule and the scorn I would have endured in my youth would have been too unbearable if I had revealed myself as a member of this secret society at the time. It was something you didn't talk about; something you kept to yourself.  My manhood would have been questioned.

I'm older now. It's time to grow up and accept myself for who I am.

Society has become much more accepting of people like me. Men all over the country have admitted similar feelings lately and it's time I stopped acting childish about this and just come out and admit my urges. Even the TV show "Family Guy" had an episode about guys like me.

It seems to easy yet it's so hard to do. Sniff sniff. Please don't think the worst of me. Please accept me for who I am.

Yes, folks, I am a fan of Barry Manilow.

Ohhh, I said it!

Oh, the relief!

Oh, the sense of burden has finally been released!

Oh, how can I ever be the same person again?

Oh, Mandy! Well you came and you gave without taking, and I sent you away oh, Mandy! And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking! And I need you today, ohhhh Mandyyy!!

The Truth Behind Pi

I have uncovered the awful truth behind the number Pi, which mathematicians claim is a mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space. That is pure poppycock, designed to bring grief to generations of high school math students.

I now know that Pi (3.14159265....) is the multiplier used to determine the true cost and time that a home project will take. For example, you may plan for a weekend project to take 16 hours, or 8 hours both days over a weekend. Any home handyman knows, but won't admit that any project he begins will not finish as planned. So take that 16 hours and multiply it by 3.14159265..... Include all the decimal places. Yes, I know that's a transcendental, or never-ending number, but home projects are never-ending, aren't they? Pi is supposed to have something to do with it being the value of the ratio of a circle's area to the square of its radius, but that fallacy is based on the fact that home projects just keep going around in circles.

Therefore, your 16 hour project multiplied by Pi will actually take 50.265481.... hours. Much longer than a single weekend! A project you expect to take a week at 8 hours a day (going well into the night after working your regular job all day and commuting), will come to a realistic amount of 175.92918.... hours. The good news is that these figures include the 3 or 4 extra trips you make to Home Depot to pick up the things you forgot, plus the time standing around chatting with your buddies who came over to help.

Pi is also used in budgeting the cost of a project. Think your weekend project is going to cost $500? When multiplied by Pi, it's really $1,570.7963..... Oh yeah, keep adding those transcendental decimals! Home project costs are never-ending, aren't they?

Again, there's good news on the cost, too because you won't actually spend $1,570.7963..... of your imaginary credit card money on materials. This calculation figures in the beer consumed during the project, the gas wasted on those 3 or 4 extra trips to Home Depot, the Happy Meals purchased to keep the kids entertained while you ignore them, and the propane used for the steaks plus wear and tear on the George Foreman grill.

So, there you have it! The truth behind Pi!