In the past few years, friends have commented about how I've come "out of my shell" since my first marriage ended. I'm aware of this, too, and it has led me to become aware of how much I feel I missed in the five decades prior to that. I had begun obsessing over things that happened in my teen and young adult years. Or more to the point, things that didn't happen. Was I really shy? Why was I so naive about a lot that was happening around me? Why did it really matter now what happened 40 years ago? Why was I feeling like I had missed opportunities when I was younger?
A lot of people know that I am hard of hearing and have been all of my life. It is hereditary sensorineural hearing loss, which for the most part causes moderate to severe loss for me. In general, I hear high frequencies and low frequencies better than mid-range frequencies. Mid-range is where the human vocal range is. And that's what causes me to not understand what people are saying to me even if I can hear their voice.
It has only been through counseling in the recent past that I have come to understand what this has done to me all of my life. A lot of people believe that my dancing, singing karaoke, and just getting out there and being among friends is my overcoming shyness. But what I've learned is it I'm not the shy introverted person that I thought I am. A counselor pointed out all of the things that I have done that show that I am not an introverted person, such as DJ'ing radio shows, writing a blog, creating public access TV shows and videos, and other things as a method of expressing myself.
It turns out when I have actually done all my life is accommodate myself because of my hearing. I've sheltered myself. It's true; I have been afraid of not hearing people, so I have avoided situations where I might have to talk to someone. In my jobs such as working at channel 10, I often took positions in the control room where it would mean I don't have to talk to many people. I used to love running master control, which is basically a solo operation. I would put on a headset I so that I could communicate with other crew members when we were working television production. I did not like being out in the studio very much, because sometimes it meant that I would have to talk to other people in the studio and I would be afraid of not being able to hear what they had to say to me. This caused me to keep to myself. I'm sure a lot of people thought that I was being unfriendly.
Just about five years ago, I got a set of hearing aids that are the best I've ever had. They have opened me up to conversation that I was never able to experience much in the past. Three years ago I started interacting with friends more often, getting out dancing, and basically just opening myself up to more than I had in the past. It has been a tremendous life-changing experience for me.
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